Where I live now, my place of work, there is a cafe called au bon pain, or "place with the good bread." It may become a place of escape for me because of the barrage of nuisance that is young (or not so young) men. You'd think I'd welcome them with open arms, but I do not. The reason is simple. I know that I will not give them what they want and that they are not right for me, and I do not want them to waste their time.
It is not that I don't like them! I have had to turn away many men with whom I would fully enjoy being great friends. I recently realized why I like to be around gay men so much usually. They are just interested in friendship. They don't expect more. They are not threatening in any way.
I guess if men never asked they'd never find out if I would be willing to be with them. However, sometimes it is hard to remember that they are doing what is natural... they are not my enemies.
The necessity of turning them down burns me deep.
I don't like doing it.
So I drag it out.
Not good.
Don't.
-Summer 2015
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